If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
So squirting runs in the family.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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