Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
