We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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