i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
