Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
