Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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