Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
