I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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