The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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