Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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