I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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