Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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