I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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