Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
