no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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