He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
