she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
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He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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