I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
