i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
