dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
