Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I can text with my tongue
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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