Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
