i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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