I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
