Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
