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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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