I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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