thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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