The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
