Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
