I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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