Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
