that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
