I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
