I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
