She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
