so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
