If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
