I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
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I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
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they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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