Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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