What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
