An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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