That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
