walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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