remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
