I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
