Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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