I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
