Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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