I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
