Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
