Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
