Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I licked your asshole in confidence.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
