One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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