Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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