A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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