There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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