What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
